Oh ye sweet banks. Sauntering boldly forth with zillions of “dollars”, leverage-trading your hard-won tax dollars from zero interest to balance sheet safety, when you are not busy selling back treasuries to taxpayers at a tidy risk-free profit or lending to consumers at exorbitant, unjustifiable (as they used to say, “usurious”) interest rates or fighting to keep from cleaning up the mess you made of mortgage law or fighting to keep any new laws from taking effect by buying the entire government with said tax dollars and hapless balance sheets or just generally making everyone hate you by being such total assholes about your pivotal role in the most exquisite economic and financial disaster in several generations. When you’re not busy with that little laundry list, you’re… well, mainly you’re just still charging people three or six bucks to grab a twenty from a machine. Sorry, I looked for something nice to say, but my cupboard was emptier than that “viable long-term business model” folder in your Executive Filing Cabinet. You are a thundering herd of smelly poop. Go away, Suzie, we don’t want you any more. And lately, at the head of your smelly little stampede, we find one see eeee ohhhh of JPMorganChaseMorganJPChase or however they’re spelling that these days, the Right Honorable Mr. Jamie Dimon.

We’ve all forgotten of course, but waaaaaay back in March aught eleven Sir Dimon read us all the riot act in a masterful fit of whining about how we were getting it all wrong. Which of course we are, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Today, at what was supposed to be an orderly press event in which our glorious Fed promised our other smelly little stampede another six months of baseless market profit, Jay-D was back with The Same Thing Part Two. The video is hardly the thrilling takedown the link is calling it, and if you want to skip it, thus winning six or seven minutes of your life back better spent straightening the bristles on your favorite backup toothbrush, all you need to know is…

Speaking of laundry lists, he reads a long one to El Bernanka, in this sort of weary, gosh-you-just-don’t-get-it voice, of all the things that have come forth to crush the poor, persecuted banking industry since the aforementioned eco-financial clusterfuck. Then finally (around minute 5 or so), he gets to his “question”

Has anyone bothered to study the cumulative effect of all these things? And, do you have a fear like I do, that when we look back and look at them all, that they will be a reason that it took so long, that our banks, our credit, our businesses, and most importantly, job creation start going again? Is this holding us back again?

Which is of course not a question at all, but a further restatement of the same complaint: business good, regulation bad, Papa Jamee Knows Best. I suppose he feels he is qualified to make such complaints because “his” “bank” had the distinction of being less insolvent than its peers. Suuuuper. Didn’t stop MorganJChasePMorganDidWeMentionMorgan from puckering right up at the government teat factory, now did it? You can read me all the laundry lists you like, Dimon Jim; doesn’t change the fact that the crisis isn’t over, because nothing is addressed, because all those little rules you mention aren’t being enforced, won’t be enforced, and wouldn’t break the vise-grip hold that the financial services industry has on what might otherwise pass for a mediocre-but-no-longer-teetering-on-a-cliff-even-if-still-destroying-lives-as-fast-as-business-can-find-a-way-to-turn-life-destruction-into-shareholder-value economy. “Job creation” became “job destruction” not because of regulation, but because of the peevish and shortsighted severing of the employee nose from the corporate face. It’s pretty simple, but we keep talking about it as if in the collapse or the subsequent “rebound” rocket science has been performed, or even reinvented. This is a gift of the financial services industry, which knows that, as long as they can make what they’re selling sound complicated enough, no one normal will bother doing the math.

Right near the top of that laundry list was the claim that “all the bad actors are gone”. I suppose that in the grand tradition of rhetoric, JJ Dimebag felt the need to get the most indefensible point out of the way first. How can the bad actors be gone, when we’re still being subjected to the insufferable bleating of the man who horsewhipped the efforts of the bank he’d taken over to further sell and develop their pièce de résistance, namely, the invention of the OTC derivatives market and, by extension, the fluff-piece self-defense/self-justification that is “financial” “product” “innovation”? (Seriously, skip the video but read the book, it’s worth it.)

Do you fear, J-Dim, like I do, that when we all look back and look at all of you, you will be THE reason that it took so long, that your refusal of responsibility, your narrow-minded protection of your own self-interest at the expense of the whole wide world, and most importantly, your temper tantrum at being asked to act like a grown-up fucking bank instead of a frat boywho got blasted out of his tree just in time to be handed illusory and rules-free control of his own trust fund, for us to start living again? Have you studied the cumulative effect of yourselves? Are you going to hold us back forever?

Entity: Sir Jay-Jay “Jamie” Dimestore “Dimon”

Rating: Go thou and fuck of thyself

Rating Vector Derivative ACRONYM Factor: Stronger than 3:56 P.M. trader B.O.

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